R.I.P.

So, I feel like blogging now. But it's not going to be about my day.

As much as it's gonna kill me, I wanna talk about my mom. Because everyone needs to let go but I can't.

For those of you that don't know, my mom passed away June 20th, 2008. Also the day I lost my job. Great day, eh?

She went in her sleep, which is good, I guess. My dad keeps telling me, "atleast she's not in pain anymore." My mom had a lot of health problems so I guess now she can rest in peace.

Whenever someone close dies, there's always a feeling of guilt. I will admit, I was the worst teenager. I was always mouthing off to my mom, saying shit I didnt mean but was just too angry to let it go. I will never forget all the stuff I said. Especially the last thing we said. I was on my way to work the night before and it was storming so my mom wanted me to call her when I got there. So I did, and I was such a jerk. My mom's last words to me were I love you. My last words to her were, "yeah, I gotta go." I will never forgive myself for that.

I really do love my mom, even though I never showed it. She never believed me. She was always saying how much I loved my dad more. I loved them equally but she never understood the things she did to me to make me so angry. I understand now, that she couldn't do half the things I did for her by herself. She did try, I'll give her that.

She never did see my high school graduation. Because of her health issues, she was having trouble breathing that day. I was so mad but now I should've cared less. I guess, because I was five when my mom graduated college, I saw her graduate, I thought she should atleast see me have my turn. Either way it doesnt matter. There's no changing the past.

My mom lived to be 45, almost 46. She died in June, her birthday's in July. For anybody, that's still too young.

The day she died, my dad was the one that had to find her like that. She was gone by at least 3 or 4 in the morning; 3 hours after I got home from work. My dad found her about 6 am though. He called the ambulance, police, you name it. She was pronounced dead I guess, around 9 am. My dad had the chance to calm down for a minute to wake me up and let me know. We sat on my bed hugging for God knows how long before he needed to make some calls. I pulled myself together to help. He gave me the liberty of calling the family. Thanks, dad. But I did a good job I guess. I kept it together.

My mom's sisters came to our house and made my dad and I dinner since we took it the hardest. We got everything planned and ready to go.

I saw my biological ass of a dad at the funeral. I dont know why he had the nerve to show up but that just pissed me off. I bet my mom rolled in her grave.

I dont know what more to say. But I didn't manage to keep myself together for this one but I wanted to do it. To get stuff off my chest.



I love you, mom, always and forever.